Pink Chinchilla Insanity

A couple years ago, something came up that enraged Irvin and Tasha to a ridiculous extent. Some snobs at the International Astronomical Union decided all of a sudden that Pluto was not a planet any longer.

SAY WHAT NOW?!?!?!

Why the hell would someone do that to Pluto? It’s like adopting a child into your family, and then kicking them out seventy years later shouting, “You’re not really one of us!” Pluto may be small, but as we screeched incessantly, it has feelings, too!

Honestly, if the stupid IAU was so concerned about Eris, why not just add a tenth planet? I’m pretty sure there is room in our heads to memorize a tenth planet name after the first nine. We could even extend the acronym: My Very Excellent Mother Just Gave Us Nine Poached Eggs. Instead, now our mothers just give us nine…nine what? Not pickles! Not pizzas! Just nine! We will never know what our mothers gave us!!!

Also, the IAU attempted to appease the Pluto fans by calling it a “dwarf planet.” Well, if we extend the definition of dwarf stars and dwarf galaxies to planets, then Pluto is still a planet! Just a small one! It’s not all about size, for goodness sake! Just ask Tasha – she’s not as superficial as those IAU assholes.

So you know what? Fuck you, astronomers! Pluto is still a planet! It always will be, for those of us who were born with nine planets in the sky. We should be considerate of poor Pluto’s feelings. So let us just say now, that Pluto, you are still a superb planet…you’re even our favorite planet! So there!

Remember, insanity isn’t contagious…we think. But this post was mostly sane, anyway.

Today, we accomplished what most of the world thought impossible: we actually cleaned Irvin’s apartment. No one thought we could do it. And no one thought we would be ambitious enough to try. But try we did, and what’s more, we succeeded!

In order for you to understand the Herculean task that faced us at 2pm, let us explain the mess that we were sorting. Above Irvin’s computer desk is an expansive shelf, filled with every single paper and post-it and magazine from the last six or seven years. And once you get to know Irvin, you will realize that this is a LOT of paper.

Moreso, we also tackled the mess surrounded what was once an orderly DVD collection…orderly in the first few months of its existence in 2005. We not only compiled a list of all 117 DVD titles, we organized them, swept out the dust, went through each and every paper above the computer desk, and organized them into neat folders. And we even had time for strip card games in the middle.

During our mining of post-its, we came across some notes we made regarding chinchillas and Pluto and all kinds of bizarre things. Many of those things will find their way onto this blog. But for now, since there are still a few things to put away and it’s 2am, let us merely define the word “twinkle” for you.

“Twinkle” is generally accepted as a verb, and it is something that stars are often known to do. But what exactly is twinkling? We believe that it is a composite word, a combination of the following two words.

Tinkle (verb) – to pee

Winkle (verb) – to wink in a sultry manner

By combining the two, we get the following definition:

Twinkle (verb) – to pee while winking in a sultry manner

Evidently, this is something all stars do quite a lot. We’re not precisely sure why, but they do.

Remember, insanity isn’t contagious…we think.

After a while, Tasha and Irvin came to the realization that they needed to mass produce hot pink chinchillas…do not ask why, dear reader, for the answer is rather long and convoluted (and insane). The point is that dipping individual chinchillas in red Koolaid simply would not suffice any longer.

So then came the question…how to mass produce hot pink chinchillas? As far as Tasha and Irvin knew, they were not born naturally from other chinchillas. But after a lot of investigation, they came up with two creatures whom they could breed to produce the desired result.

The first parent would be the one readily available: Natasha’s adorable and slightly evil/deranged cat Sassy. Sassy is quite a character, and will be discussed at length in some other blog post. But Sassy is already a ball of white fur (when Natasha’s clan doesn’t shave her, that is). So if we dyed Sassy hot pink, we would be halfway to a hot pink chinchilla.

But we then needed a partner for Sassy who would ensure her offspring could bounce high up and down…because if a hot pink ball of fluff bounced up and down, it would be a chinchilla! After a lot of deliberation, Tasha and Irvin decided that the best bouncing would be achieved by breeding Sassy with a Jack-in-the-Box.

And there you have it: we now had a plan to breed hot pink chinchillas by mating Sassy with a Jack-in-the-Box. It was pure genius!!!

Remember, insanity isn’t contagious…we think.

One day, Tasha came to school, talking to a friend about a video she saw of an adorable chinchilla. She wanted one.

Her friend got incredibly excited and said, “I have a story for you!” Tasha looked at her with interest and invited her to continue.

“One day, my cousin decides to throw his chinchilla a birthday party – the adorable little fluff ball was turning one year old! All was going well, and everyone was having a grand old time. The birthday chinchilla was let out of its cage so it could wander and mingle with its guests.

“At some point during this mingling, some awful person stepped on the chinchilla, and squished it…to death!!!”

At first, Tasha was horrified – how could such a catastrophic thing occur?!? But then she called Irvin, and related the tragic tale to him. They then started brainstorming…if they got a chinchilla, how would they keep it safe from evil party-goers?

And then, they had an epiphany! Sure, some reckless people might step on a regular chinchilla, but NO ONE would step on a hot pink chinchilla!!! After all, who could just ignore a bouncing ball of hot pink fluff? Our chinchilla would be seen by everyone, and its safety thus ensured!

After some painstaking research, they discovered that hot pink chinchillas were very hard to come by. So they came up with a genius solution to that dilemma as well: they would get an ordinary run-of-the-mill white chinchilla, and would dye it hot pink by dipping it in red Koolaid. It would be a delicious experience for the chinchilla (so don’t call PETA!), a hilarious experience for everyone else, and best of all no one would stop on the chinchilla ever again!

And that is the origin story of our fascination with hot pink chinchillas.

Remember, insanity isn’t contagious…we think.