Pink Chinchilla Insanity

Hello gang, Irvin here. Please see the previous post for why there have been no updates. Also, I just spent a semester in London. Anyway, this just had to be shared.

 I play Quidditch, and attended a pickup game on Sunday hosted by my team. Random players from all over the country came, being home for the summer holidays from whatever distant colleges they attend. I was put on a team with only these players ("mercenaries," if you will), and none of my teammates.

 I do not discuss anything with these complete strangers outside of Quidditch-related things. Nothing about chinchillas, or team names, or animals, or anything.

 When the ref asks for our team name, the captain says without skipping a beat, "the Flying Chinchillas." Everyone roars their approval.

 And this, dear readers, is why I love Quidditch players so much. They are wonderful people, who understand me on so many levels.

 Remember, loving chinchillas is contagious...we hope.

So, we have been MIA for a while, and there is a perfectly logical explanation for this: Natasha is pre-med. This means she has no time for ANYTHING. Irvin doesn’t have much time for things either, but for very different reasons. Here is the difference between a semester as a pre-med student and a semester as a business student.

Weekend 1: Irvin hangs out with friends. Natasha studies.
Weekend 2: Irvin goes to birthday parties. Natasha studies.
Weekend 3: Irvin has Quidditch practice. Natasha studies.
Weekend 4: Irvin goes on a visit to Yale for a tournament, then plays drinking games. Natasha studies.
Weekend 5: Irvin sleeps in after a tiring week of actually doing homework for a change. Natasha studies.
Weekend 6: Irvin has a sleepover after an impromptu game of Strip Poker. Natasha studies.
Weekend 7: Irvin goes to various Halloween events dressed in a costume he spent a month working on. Natasha studies.
Weekend 8: Irvin goes to concerts. Natasha studies.
Weekend 9: Irvin plays in the Quidditch World Cup. Natasha studies.
Weekend 10: Irvin goes to parties, plays Spin the Bottle and Never Have I Ever. Natasha studies.
Weekend 11: Irvin alternates between eating Thanksgiving dinner and sleeping. Natasha alternates between studying and sleeping.
Weekend 12: Irvin has another sleepover after a movie marathon. Natasha studies.
Weekend 13: Irvin bitches about having to stay home and study for finals. Natasha studies.

End result? Irvin has a higher GPA, despite never opening a textbook. Natasha celebrates passing her sciences, and begins studying for next semester.

Remember, studying isn’t contagious…we think.

Here’s a fun fact for you: Natasha has ADD. She is physically incapable of focusing on anything. ESPECIALLY anything productive. This is clear whenever she tries to study or do homework. She enters with the best of intentions, planning to get it done, to be assiduous all evening, and then to get good grades and become a very wealthy doctor.

Then she sees something shiny, and it all goes to shit.

It does not take much to distract Natasha. Anything will do: erasers, post-its, glitter, chairs, or anything on the computer. If nothing is available to her, she will just be distracted by the pens and pencils, and start twirling them.

Should Natasha actually be able to focus for a few minutes, there’s also the problem that she doesn’t like thinking. This is kinda the opposite of Irvin, who’s all for thinking and can focus if need be… he just has no work ethic. So between the two of them, nothing gets done.

They will sit down to study, Natasha being very determined that he teach her math. Then Natasha will spy a paperclip on the table and abandon her work. Irvin won’t have the drive to force her to work, and is perfectly content to sit there sipping tea.

Talking of tea, Irvin’s mother has a tendency to stockpile different varieties of tea. For some reason, this tends to disturb Natasha a lot. In particular, she was very upset when she opened a box of tea only to find it had another box of a different tea inside. “Deceitful lies!” she yelled, and slammed the boxes back into the cupboard. As Natasha is fond of saying, “You could make the Nile River into tea!” in reference to the teabag collection. “If you could turn the tea into food, and gave it to Africa, they would no longer need food – they’d be fat!”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p6TK96RDXss

Remember, insanity isn’t contagious…we think.

Natasha has another obsession – not one to rival her chinchilla obsession, but an obsession nonetheless. She has an obsession with piano players. This is explained away by the fact that she is, in fact, a pianist – and thus, it’s perfectly natural for her to be attracted to their hands.

Yes, you read that right. Their hands. This is how Natasha tried to explain it to Irvin.

When you are a pianist, and you watch a pianist play, you can understand the grace and beauty of their hands. You’re using your hands to control an instrument, to play it. It’s amazing what those hands can do. And when you’re watching a professional pianist play, all you can think is, “Why aren’t those hands in me?”

The gist of it is that Natasha wants to have sex with all the piano players of the world, and as she’s doing the nasty with them, she will scream, “OH, YES!!! PLAY ME LIKE A PIANO!!!”

Remember, insanity isn’t contagious…we think.

Needless to say, we were extremely thorough in our planning, and thus made plans to ensure our regime is not undermined after all our hard work taking over the throne. Thus, we made a second plan of what to do in the event of a rebellion. Let’s just say, the first few steps are not fit for publishing, since they involve some excessive brutal torture. However, once we have quelled the rebellion, here is what will happen to the insurgents.

“They are moved to Antarctica. We will have to check up on them periodically to make sure they don’t hurt the penguins or reproduce.”

“Bring back the dodo bird.” [We had a very extensive conversation about this step, which also involved the Russian translation of “dodo,” which is apparently “idod.”]

“Make a really big throne, from which we can rule Bangkok and the rest of the world.” [Natasha demands one made out of diamonds. For Irvin, it just has to be comfortable.]

Like we said before, the world will be much happier once we’re in charge, full of happy people, happy penguins, happy dodo birds, and (of course) happy chinchillas.

Remember, insanity isn’t contagious…we think.

What surprises people about Irvin and Natasha is that we quite often have serious conversations about politics and stuff like that. We have since determined that the world would really be much better off if we were its supreme rulers (as Natasha prefers to call it, dictators, but that’s not a politically correct term). To that end, we wrote down a plan titled “World Domination in 22 Easy Steps” on July 9th, 2008.

For our security purposes, we obviously cannot disclose the full contents of this plan… but rest assured, you will know it when it takes effect. For now, you’ll have to be content knowing that it involves an army of hot pink chinchillas. Because, let’s face it, what army could stand against a writhing mass of bouncing hot pink fluff?

And here we had you thinking all along that our obsession with chinchillas was purely for our entertainment! Muahahahahaha!!!

Also, once we take over the world, Natasha insists on making the world capital “Bangkok.” This was probably chosen completely at random. ;)

We have divvied up the continents between the two of us, and are convinced that the world will be a better place under our regime.

Remember, insanity isn’t contagious…we think.

P.S. Once we take over the world (because our plan will definitely work!), all followers of this blog will enjoy a position of privilege in the new world order.

A couple years ago, something came up that enraged Irvin and Tasha to a ridiculous extent. Some snobs at the International Astronomical Union decided all of a sudden that Pluto was not a planet any longer.

SAY WHAT NOW?!?!?!

Why the hell would someone do that to Pluto? It’s like adopting a child into your family, and then kicking them out seventy years later shouting, “You’re not really one of us!” Pluto may be small, but as we screeched incessantly, it has feelings, too!

Honestly, if the stupid IAU was so concerned about Eris, why not just add a tenth planet? I’m pretty sure there is room in our heads to memorize a tenth planet name after the first nine. We could even extend the acronym: My Very Excellent Mother Just Gave Us Nine Poached Eggs. Instead, now our mothers just give us nine…nine what? Not pickles! Not pizzas! Just nine! We will never know what our mothers gave us!!!

Also, the IAU attempted to appease the Pluto fans by calling it a “dwarf planet.” Well, if we extend the definition of dwarf stars and dwarf galaxies to planets, then Pluto is still a planet! Just a small one! It’s not all about size, for goodness sake! Just ask Tasha – she’s not as superficial as those IAU assholes.

So you know what? Fuck you, astronomers! Pluto is still a planet! It always will be, for those of us who were born with nine planets in the sky. We should be considerate of poor Pluto’s feelings. So let us just say now, that Pluto, you are still a superb planet…you’re even our favorite planet! So there!

Remember, insanity isn’t contagious…we think. But this post was mostly sane, anyway.